On Letting Go When It's Time

Storytime with Ruby

Howdy,

In my last relationship I spent a long time being patient. Hoping things would change; hoping he would change. I resisted the acceptance necessary to see clearly. Finally, I got fed up. I said “I can’t do this anymore,” and walked out.

From the outside looking in, that conversation appeared to be about me asking to go away together for the weekend and him saying no. On the surface that conversation doesn’t merit a breakup. But in that moment something much bigger shifted.

Acceptance snapped into place. I felt like I’d been hit across the head with a brick plastered in all caps: THIS IS WHAT IT IS.

I could have gone on to passively participate in a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling my needs or meeting me where I was. I could have accepted that choice as fate. Instead, when I finally accepted the situation I realized the truth: this is what it is, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

A few weeks later, his parents were in town and invited me to coffee. I was still heartbroken, and I hadn’t realized the way acceptance had allowed me to move on from the relationship until his dad said, “We have to let him be him. He is how he is, and it’s not any of our jobs to change that. It’s ok for you to want something different.”

Last week a yoga teacher trainee of mine said while teaching, “Acceptance shifts our focus from what ifs to what is.”

This is exactly what his dad reminded me. Without any fluff or frills he said “Ruby, it’s good that you’ve moved on from what ifs to what is.”

I needed to hear that.

It's different than what we often get told about acceptance. Acceptance can often get used to gaslight us into staying small.

“That’s just the way it is”
“Just let go”
“You’ve gotta deal with it; it’s not gonna change”

But we see the theme of acceptance in so many spiritual practices, so we know it must be important and beneficial. It has to mean something more than “suck it up and accept it.”

For so long I didn’t want to accept that it wouldn’t work out with that boyfriend, even though I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t be forever. Without the acceptance I would still be caught in a loop of what ifs. I would still be trying so hard to change something beyond my influence. Without the acceptance required to move forward, I might never have met my husband— the person who does meet me where I am and works with me to meet both our needs, individually and together.

The thought of missing out on that breaks my heart so much more than that breakup.

Holding on is an easy trap to fall into. I’ve often stayed in things a bit longer than most might advise, but wanting to change things from the inside is a valiant hope, and sometimes it can happen.

I imagine that if you pause for long enough to sense the truth, you know the difference between when it’s time to stay and when it’s time to go. When I pause for long enough, I do.

Acceptance isn’t about settling or playing small or letting someone else define the truth for you. It’s not synonymous with defeat.

Acceptance is an integral practice on the path to freedom. Acceptance clears the fog and empowers decisive action.

For the things that aren’t so easily changed, acceptance allows you to fortify yourself, or as I like to say “Play the game but by your own rules.”

And for the things within your control, acceptance makes the next right thing a much clearer choice to step into.

What’s something you’ve been hesitant to accept? It is what it is, but what if it doesn’t have to be this way? What’s possible if you practice acceptance?

I see you. I love you. Thank you for being here.

You’re doing great.

xx,
Ruby