Reintroducing Myself as the Queen of Boundaries

Storytime with Kate

I have this new client who I'm obsessed with. I adore our calls together.

The other day she was like, "ugh. I just feel like you're so so good at the things I want to be good at. You seem so assertive and you set the kind of boundaries that I want to set and you say the things I want to have the confidence to say and I just feel like I'll never be able to do that."

I gave her this long schpiel about how the reason I'm good at my job, and the reason I do the work that I do, is because I'm FOREVER in practice at becoming "good" at being myself, trusting myself, expressing myself.

I used to have this deep shame around needing to become good.

That in any given moment, I needed to prove my goodness. To show you that I'm good. 

But the thing about that kind of shame is that it's never enough. I started to notice that no matter how much good I was doing in the world, for my friends, within my community, I still never felt good enough.

I felt like a martyr. Like I was walking up to the stake, tying myself to it, and then still being shocked and betrayed when they lit it up.

That was exhausting. I was exhausted.

Honey, your exhaustion is here to show you that something's not working.

But my GUY, that doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you've been doing it wrong all along!! Look around you right this second: you have friends, people like you, I bet every once in a while you make somebody's whole fucking day by smiling at them on the street. 

And yeah, that's true: not everybody likes you. And you've probably recently ruined somebody's day by rubbing them the wrong way without you having a clue of your impact on them. But what's also true is that you don't like everybody. And that sometimes random strangers, just by their mere existence, ruin your day. Chill hun. That makes sense and you're all good!

Welcome to being human. Literally look around you: you are not all that bad :) there's some evil, evil shit out there. That is not you.

Historically, I've had a hard time setting a boundary about something that I've said yes, or no to in the past. Operating from the story of "it's not ok to change your mind." or "it makes you untrustworthy if you need to make a change."

So the other day I said to one of my very closest friends and most cherished of people, "hey, I know I said I wanted this thing and that it was ok for me. It's not ok anymore. Please stop." 

I'm insanely proud of this one. 

Because yall, I'm afraid of setting boundaries. I'm afraid that it'll communicate to that person that I don't want them in my life anymore. Or I'm afraid the other person will get offended or feel attacked and then pull away completely from me - or they'll think I'm bad. Just, inherently bad.

With this particular boundary, I feel distinctly connected to why I needed to ask for it and share how I was feeling: I want to keep the relationship.

I know myself well enough to know that I have a tendency to start quiet quitting on people. For each boundary they cross, I take a little mental note. As they start to mount up, it eventually becomes too big for me to even be able to unravel one at a time and I just, give up I guess. I can't. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say. I already feel so disconnected that I don't even believe that we can't come back together. In my brain, they have walked right into my "inherently bad" category box. Blocked and Reported.

The exact box that I'm terrified of. The exact box I never want them to put me in. The box that cancels each other...

The box that's not real at all: because we all have access to all of it: the full spectrum of good and bad. Inherently we'll be really good for some people and really bad for others. That doesn't change who we are to our core though: full spectrum human. 

We HATE to see this coming: the accountability piece is mine.

MY job was to ask for the change in behavior - BUT NOT BECAUSE THIS PERSON OR THEIR BEHAVIOR IS INHERENTLY BAD, or because one of us should have seen it coming and stopped it in it's tracks. It simply wasn't working for me in the same way it was in the past. NO ONE has done anything wrong. I just need a small shift in this one very specific way, because I love this relationship. 

This very small behavior, was having a very large impact on my emotions. My emotions, are my job ❤️ 

In that martyrdom stuff I mentioned... a lot of women are socialized to be martyrs. To endlessly shape-shift. To betray our own peace and wellbeing on behalf of everyone else (hot take and fun fact: it doesn't work *gestures broadly* show me the peace, show me the wellbeing.).

In ways, men are too: just a different form. Always protective. Always on guard. Always strong. Always right. (less of a hot take / fun fact: often the protection escalates violence, the guards decrease access to intimacy, the insistence on strength is smothering what's vulnerable and alive, and you're often just flat out wrong and you have a really hard time dealing with that because... shame.)

You're exhausted. I'm exhausted. We're all exhausted.

Because you need something: a boundary.

So to that new client of mine: baby, the confidence that you see in me is courage. Where there is courage, there is fear. And I'm so scared to say the vulnerable thing. 

The assertiveness that you hear in my voice is because I'm scared of being misunderstood. So I choose my words slowly because I'm afraid of saying something I'll regret or that hurts.

I'm scared of hurting people I love and being dumped into their "villain" category box where the bad people go.

When I was 17 years old my parents got divorced and every single bit of my childhood got ripped out from under me. I've done everything in my adult life to make sure that won't happen to me again - my whole world getting ripped away. I was so scared.

And let me tell you this too: I deeply know that my life and my family are better off because they got divorced. I am divorce's #1 fan. Truly. I am also conflicts #1 fan. Why? Because I never saw my parents have constructive conflict. I watched them stay silent, become resentful, angry, and bitter. I learned how to do that too. My first big relationship ended because I couldn't talk to him - literally my throat would close up in fear. Sometimes it still does when I try to say something vulnerable. What I've been afraid of all this time is becoming resentful, angry, bitter, and alone.

My childhood was a front row seat to how not talking about it will absolutely lead to it imploding. At the VERY least, you have to say the thing, even if you're scared.

So this week I said the thing that I was scared to say and I immediately felt lighter. Awkward and uncomfortable? Yeah, sure. Bitter, angry, resentful? Not at all. In fact, I feel supported, respected, and loved.

Last thing: I talked to other friends about this and my therapist. They listened to me cry and be scared to say it. Then (all three of them said), "I'm really proud of you." And so am I.

I'm not assertive and confident because I do it alone. I'm assertive and confident because I am connected.

and you are connected... to me. To my assertiveness and confidence and my courage. I'm glad to help you find yours. It's literally my favorite thing.

I see you. I love you. You’re Doing Great. 
Kate

PS The 2025 Self Study Program is upon us! Let's do this fucking thing!