My Self Study Practice: Nurturing Self-Trust and Inner Growth by Transforming Shame into Belonging

Storytime with Kate

Y'all, I had a little growth moment the other day!

One of my favorite things about My Self Study Practice is that, consistently, for a decade, I've witnessed myself show up differently. Of course it happens in big moments - when I make big choices to do something big. But WHO I am, shows up for me in small moments. The moments where nobody is watching... except for me.

It's wild how those small moments, feel HUGE when I realize, "wow, I was a friend to myself back there and it felt pretty easy and that's usually something that feels impossible in the face of conflict."

Right now, the 2023 Self Study Program is in the theme of Trust and so, I'm logging this moment as a core memory for myself because it feels like #trust coming to fruition.

As a child, self-trust got a bit whittled away from me because I often felt met with, "are you sure?!" "but what about..." or "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all..." So where does that leave me when someone is being disrespectful to me? Or unkind? Or when someone is telling me who I am...

This lack of trust of myself leaves me questioning myself and feeling confused. I've done a lot of talking myself out of feeling how I feel, or shaming myself for having said what I said. Or rationalizing feelings away when they feel to big, or don't make sense, or feel too vulnerable to meet.

So if you're in the midst of working on yourself and you've hit one of those, "what on earth is even the POINT?!" I feel you. I asked my therapist that 3 months ago.

I'm in the midst of moving to a new city and it's been overwhelming, and weird, and lonely, and wonderful, and hard, and full of conflict too. The adjustments...

So I literally asked her, "this therapy feels so hard right now and to be honest, I just don't get why I'm doing it. I don't feel better. It just feels hard. Like, am I doing this because I hate myself?!"

She said, "maybe a little bit right now? What would you like to do differently?"

The first thing that came up was, "I don't want to keep believing that I'm bad."

Saying that out loud, acknowledging that I've been operating from a space of "I'm bad," felt like giving myself a big hug. Like, the first step of friendship.

My closest relationships feel so trustworthy.

And it's a relief to feel that sense of myself too - I can trust myself to care for others, yes, always. But now, for myself too.

My Self Study Practice has helped me

• become a better friend to myself.
• develop deeper relationships that actually support ME instead of judge and shame me.\
• emotionally regulate myself by feeling my feelings instead of getting swept away by them or pushing them down
• learn how to apologize and make amends, but only when I feel like I want to apologize and make amends, not just for the sake of being the bigger person so I can feel *good* instead of *bad*
• be well rested (and yes, I don't have children)
• do more of what I like... because I actually KNOW what I like.
• help others without doing it at the expense of myself... in fact, I find it fulfilling instead of depleting these days.

For a long time, working on myself was something I did to fix myself. I read all the books, I did all the things, I asked all the questions.

But I did it because I felt inherently wrong, bad, or broken. I shamed myself every step of the way, and the folks alongside me were doing the same.

It's not like that anymore.

Ruby and I like to say (and it's why we've been business partners and besties for 7 years), "We do it together as a reminder that we're not alone."

So if you're working on yourself right now and it's because you feel like you're bad, or inherently wrong, I'm here to tell you that you're not. You're human. Welcome.

It's time to transform the shame into something more powerful: belonging.

The My Self Study Practice is a human-centered framework for working on yourself that will help you cultivate a life of belonging.

We're glad you're here no matter how you're here.

xoxo,

- k