Anti-depressants anyone? Acceptance says, "ok"

Storytime with Kate

so, I've been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety two times in my life.

Once when I was a teenager and my parents were going through a divorce and I lived in the house with them.

The second time was when I lived in a small town in Colorado after selling my business and moving away from all of my friends and into a toxic living environment.

I can't remember how I came to the conclusion that I needed medication to help me but it was an overwhelming need... once I finally got there.

Both situations had the same feelings: helpless, trapped, scared, alone, worthless, all wrapped in a layer of numbness which kept me from feeling yes the pain of all of those things, but also my inner wisdom that ultimately said, "it doesn't have to be this way" and "there are options."

I'm privileged in the health department. I've never had to be on a medication long-term. I'm generally "healthy" and I'm sure that has a lot to do with how I take care of myself but it mostly has to do with my genetics. It runs in the fam and we all know it. Medication has always been a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around because it comes with the same fears that I mentioned above. And with our medical system being the way that it is, I've been very afraid to ever go to it for help.

So both times I went to the doctor I both had all those feelings coming into the doctor AND I had all those feelings about being at the doctor.

In 2022 the doctor who I had never met before in Colorado asked me why I thought I needed anti-depressants. I pulled down my mask and through tears told her that I couldn't stop crying - It happened all the time. I'd just start crying, sobbing. Uncontrollably. I'd sit in the car and cry to Ruby on the phone and she'd just listen - and now that I think about it, I think Ruby probably urged me to go talk to the doctor.

Sometimes it takes a third party to tell you two things: it's enough to "just not like it here" and "you need to go get help."

Two things surged for me around "just not liking it here" and "you need to get help." I thought I could like it anywhere, I thought I SHOULD like it anywhere - for me it meant that I wasn't doing things well, I wasn't doing enough to get connected, I wasn't this and I wasn't that and I was the reason I didn't like it there. And the same thing showed up around needing the help from some medication: I must not be doing all the things right otherwise I wouldn't need help.

And here's what I have now to stay to that spiral: ok.

"Ok Kate honey, maybe you could do a lot more to get connected here and figure out how to love it. Do you want to try that?" I didn't.

and "Ok Kate honey, well since you're not doing all the things right and you're super exhausted from trying, maybe one of the right things to do is to go make an appointment with a doctor. you know yourself well and we've been here before." ok.

It was acceptance that was missing.

The shame spirals would run rampant and make all sorts of meaning of what was going on. Rationalizing all the problems.

And I even had affirmations for myself to help me through like, "I'm trying my best" and "this will take time."

But between the feelings that I was present to and the affirmations there was a missing thing: acceptance.

I couldn't accept just how bad I was hurting.

Like, I had just been in a car crash and I was bleeding out on the side of the road and my affirmations were running in and being like, "you are going to be ok!" and the shame was running in and being like, "you should have looked both ways otherwise you wouldn't be in this mess!" but there wasn't a part of me that was running over and putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.

So yeah, it won't always be like this and you are trying your best.

What kind of help do you need?

In acceptance, there's no meaning about you. It doesn't mean anything about you if you're not happy in your life. It doesn't mean anything about you if you feel lost or alone. It doesn't mean anything about you if you actually just don't like something you thought you would.

It doesn't mean anything about you if you need help - from me or Ruby as your self study coach, from medication, from a lawyer, from a map...

Your Self Study Practice helps you become the person that you need. It's a map, if you'll let it be, to inner homing. Where you're safe and cared for. And where the guests who you let in are also safe, and cared for.

xx,
Kate

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