On the Verge of a Breakup...

Storytime with Kate

I’m about to tell you a broad story about me and then how I’ve grown. See how you can relate :)

Years ago Ruby was telling me about how she and her sister, who she’s very close with, sometimes sit down and have the “these are my least favorite things about you” conversation.

The gasp I guspd.

“I could never” I told Ruby.

The idea of not only saying that to someone but then also having to hear it from someone made me feel wildly unsafe. Unsafe to my core.

Even as I’m sharing about it, I remember how this time felt. My heart is racing and honestly I feel nauseous:

In my 20s I took feedback like a firehose to the face. I took it from everyone. I mulled over what they’d say - I had an open door policy for it. From every direction I’d hear it. Of course there was wildly conflicting feedback on a consistent basis and overtime, it just shut me off.

The shame response became so strong and my defenses shot up.

I defended myself from the people who thought I was good and I defended myself from the people who thought I was bad.

To my friends who tried to reassure me in a shame spiral by telling me how much they liked me and why, I told them how wrong they were. How they didn’t know me.

To the folks who thought I was bad, I’d reassure them that I was hearing them and had this weird sense that they actually saw me for who I am. They made sense to me.

I thought that was the compassionate way to be: to hear everyone out. I thought the self-aware way to be was to know all my potential flaws. Flaws being any way that someone else might perceive me... 

I felt so anxious - to see anyone, to talk to anyone, to ask anyone about their experience or their thoughts. I couldn’t take a joke about myself. I couldn’t make light of anything.

The slightest bit of negative feedback about me or my business or anyone who worked for me or a social media post or a newsletter felt like a dagger.

And so I internalized that feedback - so that when it came, I already knew. I could already see the bad. I could already see how problematic it all was. I already knew. I already knew. I already knew.

Something that was once someone else’s, became mine.

I did that part. I did the internalizing.

I thought it would keep me safe from it.

But instead I took it all with me everywhere I went.

In my early 20s I felt bold and allowed and capable. By the end of my 20s I felt lost and alone and scared.

I’ll also note that the beginning of my 30s was the start of COVID. I felt totally locked up and the world felt totally locked down.

I’ve been processing this shame ever since.

Fast forward to today:

The other day, I sat down and had a “these are my least favorite things about you” conversation with a friend.

I didn’t recoil from what they shared. In fact it felt like a relief. Like, we don’t have to skirt around it anymore. We both knew what it was too. I felt closer afterwards, instead of further. It had closed a little gap that we’d both been feeling. That felt like a relief. There was space for us to go deeper afterwards.

I often feel like I’m on the edge of my seat with people - like, at any moment, there’s about to be a grand break up. An interpersonal cancelling.

There’s a handful of folks in my life that I can have conversations like this nowadays.

There’s a key element in these (like, 5 max) relationships: safety.

My friends regularly reassure me that the relationship is safe. They say, “You’re my best friend and I want to know this.” Or “I still want to be friends with you.” In fact, they often check in with me first - this helps me immensely, having an invitation to talk about the relationship itself.

Gosh, and as I share about this right now I feel relief, ease. That feels way better than the nausea that comes with shame :)

They reassure that part of me that, as a kid through my 20s, got gaslight out of saying how she felt. That learned that how I felt was my fault, that I'm too sensitive. That's not what really happened. That’s not what they meant. It’s not about me...

I have quite a few points that I want you to take away:

• You deserve to feel safe in your relationships. Yes, adult relationships are generally very conditional - and that’s why it's important that we’re communicating heavily about how the relationship is going for all parties: to make sure we’re all doing what we need to do to make the relationship thrive.
• You can do all the work on yourself in the whole world to make yourself feel safe, AND you don’t have to be the only one who’s trying to convince you that you’re safe. You are allowed to be reassured by people.
• Just because you FEEL unsafe, doesn’t mean that you ARE unsafe - check in.
• You’re allowed to ask questions that somewhere along the lines in my brain became forbidden: “Are you mad at me?” “Things feel off and I’m believing that it’s because you hate me? How are you? How are we?” This is how you take accountability for “how I FEEL/what I’m BELIEVING might not actually be what’s going on here AND I’m going to need some data from the other person to help me feel safe/at ease/connected again.”

Long story short, if you feel disconnected from someone, do what you need to do to get reconnected to them, you know?

Your need/want/desire for closeness in your relationships is a beautiful thing, not a burden honey.

There’s nothing wrong with you when you feel disconnected.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you need to take some space in the midst of a conflict.

There’s nothing wrong with you for asking for a hug (physical, emotional… whatever)

There's nothing wrong with you, honey.

If this really resonated for you, let's do some one on one coaching around it.

If you're not yet convinced that you're not a burden, you're welcome to try out the journal and take a look at it on your own time, in your own way.

And lastly, something that has never filled me up and only leads me to burnout and exhaustion in a relationship, is feeling like I'm always on the verge of a breakup. This month's theme of the podcast is all about rest. Ruby and I both share stories about how we've created more access to rest and rejuvenation in our lives.