Worst Case Scenario-ing and Feeling Tethered

Storytime with Kate

Welcome to the very first week of the year!

New Years Resolutions on the internet are coming in hot.

Goals, up-leveling, doing more!!

Meanwhile here’s how my week has gone so far:

•  I’ve been late already 3 times
•  My dog got in a fight as the aggressor
•  My dog’s paw is bleeding from something unrelated to the aforementioned brawl
•  I’m exhausted even though I slept a lot over the holidays.. am I sick?
•  I haven’t picked my word for the year because the words that are coming up are also intimidating me

The type of word I’m feeling called to this year has something to do with consistency. I’m feeling this organized and focused energy that I haven’t felt in a very long time. The word includes the ideas of self-discipline and determination. But I also want to keep the vibrancy, fun, and rest alive that I’ve been cultivating over the past few years. Involved in my word is also a sense of self-trust.

And when Ruby scheduled her Intention Setting workshop for tonight, neither of us realized that I already have prior obligations so I’m also feeling untethered from community - so I feel freaked out about picking a word all by myself!! What if the word I pick ends up being all wrong?!

And also, what if the word I pick is the word I pick and I just get to watch it unfold over the next 12 months.

What if the whole point is that the word doesn’t control me, it just shows me. 

I was talking with a client last night about "what if scenarios…"

She finds herself spiraling over worst case scenarios on a pretty regular basis.

The thing about our brain and our bodies is that they're connected and they communicate. Our brain's job is to think. So has a thought and it sends a signal to our body to EMOTE. Throughout your day, no matter what you're thinking about, you're also feeling about. And often, what you're feeling about is also how you're operating. It's just the nature of things.

The catch with worst case scenarios is that we can often get away with the spiral feeling “useful” because that way, we think we can be prepared for this worst case scenario thing that our brain wants us to keep an eye out for.

When we worst case scenario our relationships, we prepare for their ending. We hear every little micro-jab that’s thrown our way and we believe the worst. We start hurting over something that hasn’t happened - because we're worried that it might. We start treating that person like they want to leave, or like we do - because we're scared it'll happen eventually. We stop turning towards them because we’re afraid that one day they won’t turn towards us.

We do the same thing with our lives. When we worst case scenario them all the time, we don’t become more prepared for their ending. We become more skilled at creating little endings as we go. We stop trying to do good in the world because we realize how much there truly is to do - even though, every little thing has an impact. We stop fighting to have a job that feels like purpose because maybe it’s just easier to get by. We stop prioritizing those little things that bring us joy because there are people out in the world doing what we enjoy on a much more impressive scale, so why bother.

The thing is:

the worst case scenario thing might happen.

but since we’re out here just making shit up:

the best case scenario thing might happen too.

So if you’ve stopped yourself from goal setting, or picking a word… or if you’ve been too scared to reflect on this year, maybe the past few years, and speak out loud what you hope might become in your life… I feel you.

The vulnerability of hopefulness is… outrageous.

The thing about vulnerability is that you have no control over the outcome of sharing it. It’s an expression of YOU. It’s putting those inner parts of you onto a silver platter and showing it to someone. You have no control over what they’ll do with it next. You just… hope. You hope that they’ll receive what you’ve shown them with love, care, gentleness.

People will come for your hopefulness. They’ll tell you it’s stupid or petty or it’s not S.M.A.R.T. because it’s too far out of touch. It’ll never happen. They'll say you're setting yourself up for failure by reaching too far.

And you want to know what the actual fast track to it never happening is?

You not believing that it can.

You, or others, seeing your vulnerability, your hopefulness, and then worst-case scenario-ing it away.

So when it comes to picking my word, the anxiety isn’t really about the word: I don’t think I’d be feeling like this if I knew I could make it to Ruby’s workshop. And that just makes me feel a little untethered from Ruby - someone I always want to make sure I feel tethered to. Not in a constricted way, just in a consistent way.

That's also how I want to feel towards myself - tethered to my center. Not in a restrictive closed way, in a brave way. Where I can adventure out and still find my way home in the dark. 

As I sift through the pile of words that are coming up for me, I realize I've been worst case scenario-ing trusting myself.

lol and aint that the definition of what trust isn't... 

• that maybe I’ll get something wrong and someone will be able to say “i told you so”
•  that maybe I’ll pick a word that feels a little bit off right now and that little bit off actually turns into a huge red flag that takes me all the way down
•  that I actually don’t know anything at all and it’s true: I SHOULDN’T be trusted

But there’s also hopefulness for me:

•  what if trusting myself leads me to finding a love-of-my-life person who builds a life with me of presence, rootedness, connection, and adventure?
•  what if trusting myself means that the My Self Study Practice takes off into the world and radically alters the systems of our society and culture to be more kind and inclusive of our full humanity?
•  what if trusting myself means that the people who I’m closest with understand, and see me on a level that I’ve never known before but always wanted?

The first round of what-ifs feel restrictive and small. Mean and lonely. Threatening and hateful.

The second round of what-if’s feel expansive and terrifying. Exciting and possible. Tethered and loved.

And since we’re just making shit up around here: I’ll take expansive, terrifying, exciting, possible, tethered, and loved over restrictive, small, mean, lonely, threatening, and hateful any day :)

And no, this isn’t an email where I’ve come out on the other side and realized what my word is for the year. I still have reflection to do and in classic form, I'll need a thesaurus and the dictionary to really make a solid choice. 

But through writing to you, I feel more attuned to that tether. The one to Ruby, and to the community of people who will be in her workshop doing the same work that I’ll be doing, alone on my couch when I get home... a place that I could find with my eyes closed in the dark. 

If you want to feel more tethered to yourself, Ruby will be in zoom tonight 1/4/2024 from 5:30-7pm hosting her annual workshop. You can register here.

In the meantime, may you be at peace. May you be rooted in your goodness. May you be spirited. May you be free.

You're Doing Great Kate

xo,
Kate