You're Vapid... among other things

Storytime with Kate

Today one of my very best friends called me vapid. / adjective. "without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious: a vapid party; vapid conversation."

and before you run in to jump down his throat for that bullshit I want to give you some context:

I'm not perfect.

I know you don't believe it but I'm not :) I'm not always fun, I'm not always kind, I don't always like everyone, I'm boring when I'm alone, I often don't want to take care of people, and sometimes, I'm vapid and I want to sit in the dark, in silence, and do... nothing.

I was telling him that, like many famous people, I have noticed throughout my life, people have felt like they know me through either engaging with my work or following me on the internet. Then they want to be my friend. Then, overtime and as we get closer and as I start to include myself in the relationship, they realize that sometimes, as my friend, I don't always want to attend to your feelings in as present of a way that I do when a client is paying me to do that. I don't always want to do the social activity or go to your parties. I don't always want to talk about big heavy ideas of life with my friends. If you're truly my friend, I won't be your coach, or your fitness instructor, or your care taker. and sometimes I won't reach out and I often won't text you back.

This positionality really sucks for me and for the other person. Because I'm on this pedestal (which I don't deserve or want - I WANT and deserve connection and let me tell you what there's none of when you're on a pedestal... connection), it doesn't take a lot for me to take a huge tumble off of it. That fall usually hurts me because I've wildly disappointed the other person "I thought you were xyz but you're not like that in real life at all!!" And it usually hurts the other person too because they thought I was going to fill a particular role in their life.

When expectations don't meet reality... 

AND - thinking that people are better than you or beneath you, is dehumanizing.

This experience of being on a pedestal, is dehumanizing.

AND putting someone else onto a pedestal (like they're SOO much more xyz than you are) is dehumanizing to yourself.

a real nice 360 Dehumanization Pedestal.

gross.

But to call me, OF ALL PEOPLE, vapid?!?! Damn bro. Punch me in the guts next time. *I have abs of steel right now so I'd be fine. But my tender little exposed heart?!?! How could you!!*

BUT AND ALSO - the gamut of "ways of being" get to be part of the entire human experience. 

Sometimes I'm on. I'm upbeat, excited, proud, courageous, free, exhilarated, tender, vulnerable, funny, light hearted, vibrant.

Other times I'm off. I'm tired, I'm petty, I'm mean, I'm guarded, I'm clueless and dense, I'm indecisive, I'm scared, I'm mistrustful, I'm shy, I'm uncertain. And sometimes I'm a mixture of many of those things - sometimes I appear confident even though I actually feel really intimidated. Sometimes I'm exuding energy but I actually feel really tired and depleted. Sometimes I seem really flirty and fun but I'm actually feeling really scared and uncomfortable.

oh, well wouldn't you know it: duality.

And all of that, isn't inauthentic (something I'm deeply afraid of being). 

It's just human.

You are all of those things. I am all of those things.

You are also sometimes all the ways you're afraid of being perceived as. For me that means: mean, petty, exclusive, cold, vapid, audacious.

You are also sometimes all the ways that you've always wanted to impact people. For me that means: free, courageous, vibrant, compassionate, warm, fair.

You know when I don't feel my best? When I'm being petty - when I just have shitty things to say about myself or other people. I don't like talking shit. It makes me feel like shit.

And sometimes I do it.

And then I have to repair that - with myself or someone else. I have to usually come back to that conversation and express how I feel - take some accountability. Generally it's something like, "they hurt my feelings" or "I feel really uneasy around them." When I talk shit, it's because I feel some kind of way.

And I don't feel relief after being petty with someone... I feel kind of righteous. Like, I'm better than them... like I actually am up on that pedestal that's hurt to fall from so many times.

By taking accountability for how I actually feel, it's an act of me humanizing myself, and them. Stepping off the pedestal.

My Self Study Practice helps me do that.

The work of your Self Study Practice isn't to become less human, or to become unbothered, and unimpacted.

The work of the My Self Study Practice helps you navigate yourself when you feel out of alignment. It helps you come back home to what's tender and real to you. It helps you say, "hey it didn't feel good when I said this the other day. I don't really mean that, I guess my feelings were actually hurt about what they had said before."

Your Self Study Practice helps you repair. When you're hard on yourself, it helps you reach out to a friend who reminds you how much they love you and why. When you're hard on someone else, it helps you access the empathy that says, "Damn. They're just a human too and it's hard out here."

My defenses pop up so hard when someone says, "you are _____." If it's a "bad" thing, I think "this is all I am to them." When it's "good" I think, "you don't even know me!"

It's hard to *hold space* for all the ways that we think of ourselves and each other. But just because it's hard to hold it doesn't mean that there's not space.

One thing this friend who called me vapid never does is think of me or treat me as if I'm one dimensional. It's part of the reason we became such close friends - because he's excellent at letting me be myself. Even when he perceives it as vapid. 

*cya! I'm off to tell my friend he hurt my feelings*

Have you fallen into that trap of personal development where you feel like you have to fix yourself all the time?!

If you have a hard time receiving feedback *like I do* and you want to feel more ok in who and how you are Check out our free course, get the journal, start 1:1 coaching...

because your full on humanity is worth it.

you're doing great,
Kate

PS We'll see you tonight for our CharacterCraft workshop - a live coaching, imagination station for using play to cultivate self trust. Mark your calendar for Wednesday, July 10th, 6:30-8:30pm ET - sign up now!

* if you are currently enrolled in the Self Study Program this workshop is included and you will receive the direct link to attend closer to the date

I hope to see you there!